Look out! He's watching you!

Keerist, I don't even look the same person. Well, I guess I do, I just don't feel like that's the same person. I don't feel like that person is me, the one on the left. That's two days apart there, not ten years. The right side is no makeup in natural light. The left is with minimal makeup in the light from my bathroom. I didn't even use a filter. But I don't like wearing makeup, not even minimal. I can feel it on my skin, sitting there, feeling weird. I've gone thirty years not wearing makeup. 

This laptop is thirteen years old. I don't even want to think about what an up-to-date PC camera is going to do. All those evil mega-pixels, or whatever they are, picking up every last wrinkle and sag.

Welcome to my first world problem. Although I kinda feel like there should be a better name for it that First World, Third World shit is tired and classicist. Is there a Second World? I suppose I could google it, except I don't use Google to search anymore. Where's a Gen-Zer to tell me what they use nowadays?

My Facebook and Instagram hiatus will be up soon. At least, the year and I day I vowed to stay off is up July 22. 

I did some of the things I set out to do. And didn't do others. I don't want to talk about. 

I don't have to go back on of course, but I'm itching to start a new writing idea, an idea for sort of memoirs. I have a mosquito bite on my left inner wrist and it's itching like crazy. More than one thing is itching.

 

Well, I got something done.

I had planned to design a memorial necklace for my cat Loki. He was extra special, my Professional Therapy Cat. I gave him that title in jest, but he really was an emotional support for me. I don't want to talk about how  he passed. He was only two years old. 

I bought beads to make a memorial necklace, but after I got everything out, all the specially chosen beads and my tools and started to lay everything out...I knew it would be just what I wanted and perfect. And I couldn't work on it anymore. 

Here it's partially laid out.

I can work on it again next week. I made a chain for my glasses instead. So I got something done. I didn't try for any real design, just pulled random three, four, and six millimeters beads.

Now I'm a legit old lady.

Too legit to quit. I don't like aging, but at least I have style and skills. 

This is going to take awhile. You may need a snack and a drink.

I tested some makeup application today for the camera, specifically for filming. We were given a Nikon D3300 by a friend who had bought a newer model, so I need to learn how to use it. Today I just used my phone to record video. 

I rarely wear makeup. My eyes are very sensitive and I can't stand the feel of foundation or primer on my skin. But I think I've managed to figure out a minimal routine I can fel good about. 

The makeup looked fine in a selfie snapped from above head level in the bathroom.

But on video in my office in natural light with the phone a head level...well, I'm not posting that stuff.

I am starting to look my age and I just want to cry. It's not like I care how others see me. I really don't but I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. That aging, overweight person is not me. Why is my nose so damn big? It didn't use (used?) to look like that. Yes, it was not a tiny nose, but I feel like it's taking over my face. I'm getting jowls. A crepey neck. Is this body dysmorphia? I feel like it might be. I feel like I'm in there somewhere, but I'm so exhausted I can't find my way out. That image is not me. That is not the age I feel. 

This really doesn't help my depression. 

I have what I think is a good idea for a YouTube channel, one that could help people. I filmed a test video today, reading the Constitution of the United States aloud, with commentary attempting to explain it in more modern, simple language. 

I have a decent level of reading comprehension and some talent for paraphrasing, but deconstructing the stilted language of 18th century educated people is  step above. It will require a lot more practice, repetition, note taking, research, etc. I'll probably have to write out scripts for myself. Also, learning the basics of video editing, there's another task. My occasional spacing out, my snarky uber-liberal comments (trying to help ALL people understand stuff), all that should be snipped out. Not that I won't show my liberal leanings, just attempt to keep my language as neutral as possible. 

 

This entry is too long. I have to make dinner now.

Movies iz Fun

I went to the movies with one of my sons (DB) today, so -- good times. I love going to the movies. I love horror movies the most, but DB is not a fan, so The Black Phone was out. I'll have to see that one by myself. We saw Elvis and it was really good, definitely recommended.

This photo is from our last movie Top Gun: Maverick. I couldn't take one today, we just barely made it to our seats before the feature started. Missed the trailers, darn it. But I got my ticket for my movie notebook.

When I'm infamous and dead my grandchildren will love it.

Afterwards we went to Half-Price Books to find a book on the United States Constitution, because I have what I think is a pretty good idea for a YouTube channel and it's still in development but I need to read the Constitution. Yeah, I promise it will be more interesting than it sounds. 

I got a migraine on the way home, because of the sun.

Totally worth it.

Tex is pretending to comfort me in my migraine recovery, but really she just wants attention because she didn't want me to type. She got miffed and left when I wouldn't stop typing.

Cats are assholes, but they're so darn cute.

Why didn't I think of this before?

I finally caught wise that Blogger has a damn app, so I downloaded that shit PDQ. Now I can post with photos from my phone. I can't do that with the Blogger website on my phone browser, not with photos. Now I can. A post a day? One can but hope.

Lookit me, talking like anyone reads this. It's a process, okay? I'm trying to create healthy habits.

Here's some more flowers from my garden. Calendula, yarrow, and a bit of lavender. 

Am I healthy yet?

This huge pile of greens....

....cooks down to this little pile of greens.

I grew these myself, they're a mix of kale and turnip greens. Gathering them was simple, but cleaning them was tedious. Wash, wash, wash (so much water!), inspect every leaf (I found one baby caterpillar, one dead spider, and one live earwig-- ewwwww), and trim all the stems. Cooking went fast but this process made a big mess.

I made four prepped meals with wheat berries, cannellini beans, greens, and various seasonings. 

Four meals. That's it, that's all it made. Four meals. This is exhausting and I still need to clean the kitchen and water the garden but I have to wait until around sunset to water. That's two hours from now. I'm so fucking tired and sad and I just want to go to bed.

At least my front garden looks nice.

Crawling back to wellness after six years of dark times is exhausting. I used to be fit. I used to be stable. I used to write. I used to finish things, projects I mean.

I'm really trying but I'm so tired.