Well, I got something done.

I had planned to design a memorial necklace for my cat Loki. He was extra special, my Professional Therapy Cat. I gave him that title in jest, but he really was an emotional support for me. I don't want to talk about how  he passed. He was only two years old. 

I bought beads to make a memorial necklace, but after I got everything out, all the specially chosen beads and my tools and started to lay everything out...I knew it would be just what I wanted and perfect. And I couldn't work on it anymore. 

Here it's partially laid out.

I can work on it again next week. I made a chain for my glasses instead. So I got something done. I didn't try for any real design, just pulled random three, four, and six millimeters beads.

Now I'm a legit old lady.

Too legit to quit. I don't like aging, but at least I have style and skills. 

This is going to take awhile. You may need a snack and a drink.

I tested some makeup application today for the camera, specifically for filming. We were given a Nikon D3300 by a friend who had bought a newer model, so I need to learn how to use it. Today I just used my phone to record video. 

I rarely wear makeup. My eyes are very sensitive and I can't stand the feel of foundation or primer on my skin. But I think I've managed to figure out a minimal routine I can fel good about. 

The makeup looked fine in a selfie snapped from above head level in the bathroom.

But on video in my office in natural light with the phone a head level...well, I'm not posting that stuff.

I am starting to look my age and I just want to cry. It's not like I care how others see me. I really don't but I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. That aging, overweight person is not me. Why is my nose so damn big? It didn't use (used?) to look like that. Yes, it was not a tiny nose, but I feel like it's taking over my face. I'm getting jowls. A crepey neck. Is this body dysmorphia? I feel like it might be. I feel like I'm in there somewhere, but I'm so exhausted I can't find my way out. That image is not me. That is not the age I feel. 

This really doesn't help my depression. 

I have what I think is a good idea for a YouTube channel, one that could help people. I filmed a test video today, reading the Constitution of the United States aloud, with commentary attempting to explain it in more modern, simple language. 

I have a decent level of reading comprehension and some talent for paraphrasing, but deconstructing the stilted language of 18th century educated people is  step above. It will require a lot more practice, repetition, note taking, research, etc. I'll probably have to write out scripts for myself. Also, learning the basics of video editing, there's another task. My occasional spacing out, my snarky uber-liberal comments (trying to help ALL people understand stuff), all that should be snipped out. Not that I won't show my liberal leanings, just attempt to keep my language as neutral as possible. 

 

This entry is too long. I have to make dinner now.

Movies iz Fun

I went to the movies with one of my sons (DB) today, so -- good times. I love going to the movies. I love horror movies the most, but DB is not a fan, so The Black Phone was out. I'll have to see that one by myself. We saw Elvis and it was really good, definitely recommended.

This photo is from our last movie Top Gun: Maverick. I couldn't take one today, we just barely made it to our seats before the feature started. Missed the trailers, darn it. But I got my ticket for my movie notebook.

When I'm infamous and dead my grandchildren will love it.

Afterwards we went to Half-Price Books to find a book on the United States Constitution, because I have what I think is a pretty good idea for a YouTube channel and it's still in development but I need to read the Constitution. Yeah, I promise it will be more interesting than it sounds. 

I got a migraine on the way home, because of the sun.

Totally worth it.

Tex is pretending to comfort me in my migraine recovery, but really she just wants attention because she didn't want me to type. She got miffed and left when I wouldn't stop typing.

Cats are assholes, but they're so darn cute.

Why didn't I think of this before?

I finally caught wise that Blogger has a damn app, so I downloaded that shit PDQ. Now I can post with photos from my phone. I can't do that with the Blogger website on my phone browser, not with photos. Now I can. A post a day? One can but hope.

Lookit me, talking like anyone reads this. It's a process, okay? I'm trying to create healthy habits.

Here's some more flowers from my garden. Calendula, yarrow, and a bit of lavender. 

Am I healthy yet?

This huge pile of greens....

....cooks down to this little pile of greens.

I grew these myself, they're a mix of kale and turnip greens. Gathering them was simple, but cleaning them was tedious. Wash, wash, wash (so much water!), inspect every leaf (I found one baby caterpillar, one dead spider, and one live earwig-- ewwwww), and trim all the stems. Cooking went fast but this process made a big mess.

I made four prepped meals with wheat berries, cannellini beans, greens, and various seasonings. 

Four meals. That's it, that's all it made. Four meals. This is exhausting and I still need to clean the kitchen and water the garden but I have to wait until around sunset to water. That's two hours from now. I'm so fucking tired and sad and I just want to go to bed.

At least my front garden looks nice.

Crawling back to wellness after six years of dark times is exhausting. I used to be fit. I used to be stable. I used to write. I used to finish things, projects I mean.

I'm really trying but I'm so tired.

Practice makes practice.

 Hmmm. It seems I can post text from my phone, but not photos. Alas. 

I've been taking a long break from social media, from Facebook and Instagram.  In fact, it's been nearly a year. I set the hiatus for a year and a day. It has helped calm my chaotic brain but I haven't progressed in healing as much as I had hoped I would. I still have intrusive thoughts which I've tried to drown out with YouTube. 

You know what I miss the most? Not connections with friends and family or keeping up with current events...good lord, NOT current events. Posting pictures. 

But I can't post photos on the blog from my phone. 

And another trip back to square one --the scary square.

 Soooooo, trying to figure out how to upload photos to a post from my phone. If I could post from my phone it would be simpler to keep up a habit. But I prefer posting wih photos and I'm not seeing how to do it. 

Frustration.