A good effort after so much slacking.

But it changed. Now...stuff still aches but it never stops me, it's the good pain. My body is strong now, the strongest I've ever been and I have two genetic hurdles that cause physical and mental difficulty for me to work around.

Over 700 words this morning on my story. Nuance and depth, I love that stuff. Making my characters real, full people. They are transforming.

I cannot deny it. I've been slacking. I had true writer's block for awhile, from the stress of the holidays, but I broke through it. After that it was just fear of the huge task ahead of me, writing my story. Because every time I sit down, it just gets bigger. While I am doing some reshaping of what I have now, it's more of adding nuance to the plot. I guess that's what I mean. The plot is growing and changing and developing much more depth, the true depth of the down to the bone story I want to write.

But damn, there's so many freaking words. How will I ever finish this in a respectable amount of time and this is just the second book! How am I going to write the first damn book, the one that establishes everything? The second book is...the second! I wanted to do this within a year. It's going to take at least two I think. Two years of writing every single day. This brings in zero salary. Then, after it's done, I have to get an agent.

I can do this. I can. Other people have done it. I'm strong. I started martial arts at forty-three after a lifetime of mostly not liking extreme physical expression and competition and now find myself totally changed in mind and body. I only started martial arts as a means to self-defense. I had no idea I would love it this much. So if I can do that thing I didn't know I loved, shouldn't I be able to completely and totally...go...somewhere...somehow...with lots of success (whoa...that sucked) with something I've wanted to do forever?

Yes. I can do this. I can do this. Even when I think I can't do this. When I first started martial arts my whole body would hurt after class. I only took the Monday/Wednesday class back then. There was a rest period of four days, I'd feel almost human again by Sunday, then Monday went right back to "my god, everything, everything, EV-ER-Y THING hurts.


I can do this, I can make this story and share it with people and they will like it and feel transported by it just like good writing should do. I will make this world and it's people and not give way to fear and I will believe in myself even when I don't believe in myself.

God I'm hungry now.

There was some recent stuff. It had to go because I need room for the GOOD stuff.

Self: I've forgotten everything. Almost fucking everything.

Myself: See? This is what you get when you are away from your story for too long. You've forgotten all the proper names and places. Your thinking is all muddled and you can't explain the subtleties of this character and this is very important for the story-line. This wouldn't have happened if you'd kept up a little each day.

Self: (incoherent cursing)

Myself: Just like exercising the body. You like all those pretty new muscles, don't you? You exercise every day in different ways to keep those up.

Self: "I told you so," isn't helping. Fuck off and help me figure out how to explain this.

Myself: I can fuck off or I can help you. Can't do both.

Self: FINE! Will. You. Please. Help. Me. You. Pretentious. Bitch.

Myself: Yes. Let me get the stuff out.

Like this, only it's piles of papers
and notebooks and sketchbooks
and scrolls. Oh, my.

I hate asking for help. I hate admitting I can't do something myself (er...for self? On Self's own?). I have the most awful trouble asking for help. Even from my higher self...my higher...Myself. Bitch.

Release the past. This includes not beating yourself up over the fact that your three months of writers's block and dragging feet because you're afraid of the huge task you have set for yourself has caused you to forget names and ages and dates. Good thing I made maps and timelines and a metric ton of notes. That's 'the stuff'.

My brain is muddled. I have a thing I'm trying to explain enough to give a hints to the plot, carefully woven to the coming story and glimpses of personality and character to two mains and my muddled brain is not saying it right. I'm afraid I'm going to lose the idea. It's a far better opening to this part of the story, just before the catalyst, and I'm not getting it right. I'll have to write it out by hand, for some reason that works better when I'm muddled.

Sometimes a whisper is all you need.

Today a voice whispered "Release the past. Release the past and make way for the changes of the future. Make way for tomorrow."

I don't think it meant the actual tomorrow.

But I did it. I'm doing it. Releasing the past. A little bit at a time. I pick a thing, a thing I've been clinging to because I hold on to bits and bobs and doodads. Scraps of this and that, amassing these bits because my memory is poor. But the bits don't really help my memory, not most of them. The bits don't make me smile. There are certain things I'm keeping. Movie ticket stubs and fortune cookie slips, in a little box. Those still make me smile. They make me think. But a LOT of stuff is going.

I've been holding on to clothes too, clothes that are either worn out or way too big now, or both. Partly because I'm cheap and don't want to buy new clothes if the old ones still work, but also partly because I'm a little afraid of the new me. I'm a medium now, working steadily into a small. Ten year old XL t-shirts do not need to be kept. Except for the purple ones, until I can replace them with purple ones in my size. Because purple.

I've been picking up things in my bedroom now for three hours, looking at them and thinking, "You have no power over me. Not anymore." Yes, I'm well aware of the connection to Labyrinth, thank you. I watched it (for the hundredth time) a few weeks ago. It's probably been percolating in my subconscious, because I've been feeling stuck even though I'm working really hard.

I've been doing some personal spiritual work as well. I had asked (very, very respectfully) for a clear and unmistakable message. And now I've been answered. I didn't ask for miracles. Just a bit of help. Just, "I've lost my way. I can do it myself but I'm so confused I don't know where to begin. Can you show me where to begin?"

It's not any great epiphany. Just a whisper in my head. But it's made me feel better, less stuck, more determined. Sometimes a whisper is all you need. You just have to listen to it.

Links of Interest

These are links of interest to me. You mind find something you like here too, but this page is mostly so I can clear out the 71 tabs I have open on my phone. They're still open because either I don't want to lose them or I haven't read them yet.

The post you are on now was accidental and I don't feel like deleting it. The permanent page, with lots and lots and lots more links is here.

Training/Fitness/Health:

Hollow Body Position Importance - Antranik: Shows why the hollow body hold is important and how to do it correctly. Includes anatomical information and video.

How to Do Pushups Properly - Antranik: Includes video. This guy is super cool. I like him.


Women:

First Female Army Rangers Say They Thought of 'Future Generations of Women' - NPR.org, Brakkton Booker. Capt. Kristen Griest, MP platoon leader, 26, and 1st Lt. Shaye Haver, 25, are the first two women to graduate the U.S, Army's elite Ranger School.


Norse Viking Age - Garb and other links:

Lindisfarne - "In 793, a Viking raid on Lindisfarne^[31] [d] caused much consternation throughout the Christian west and is now often taken as the beginning of the Viking Age." - Wikipedia

Viking Age Clothing: Taking measurements - Clear information on taking measurements specific to making Viking age clothing.

Viking Women: Aprondress - A long, scholarly article by Hilde Thunem. Discusses archaeological finds in-depth.

"This article focuses on the garment that was worn by Viking women together with the characteristic oval brooches. The garment has often been referred to as an aprondress (hängerock) by the archaeologists, but Thor Ewing points out that the term "smokkr" used in the Viking poem Rígsþula may be the contemporary name (Viking clothing p. 37).

Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA): 

Miscellaneous:
Rules To Period Games - SCA period (6th to 16th centuries) games. Helps round out your persona. Good times.


Archaeological Interest: 

Prosthetic Leg with Hoofed Foot Discovered in Ancient Chinese Tomb - Livescience, Owen Jarus

The Haunting Origins of Horse Culture - National Geographic, William Taylor

Casting Light on the Darkening Colors in Historical Paintings - Medievalists.net, F. Da Pieve, C. Hogan, D. Lamoen et al.

Space/Science:

How We'll Live On Mars: Q&A with author Stephen Petranek - Space.com, Sarah Lewin. Discusses
Petranek's book, How We'll Live On Mars
A Manned Mission to Mars Is Closer To Reality Than Ever: NASA Chief - Space.com, Mike Wall

Private Moon Landing Set for 2017 - Space.com, Mike Wall

Home On the Moon: How to Build a Lunar Colony (Infographic) - Space.com, Karl Tate

Parallel worlds exist and interact with our world, say physicists - Mother Nature Network. Bryan Nelson


Writing:

Internet's largest free database of literary agents - AgentQuery.com