The emptiness of the title line bothers me.

 

This is Toby. He has a chonk heart. 

Yesterday I was cleaning out my email and found one from Starbucks, telling me that the application I had submitted (two freaking years ago) was over sixty days old...yeah, it would be. That's what happens when you wait two years to contact someone. Wow, they must be desperate. But I am not. 

It (they?) requested that if I still wished to be considered I should resubmit my application. No freaking way, not now. 

Today I cleaned the bathroom rugs and floors and the kitchen rug and floor. I cleaned and was happy with what and how I cleaned and then I sat down for a little break and realized how much of the house is still so dirty. Like, I only cleaned the rugs and floors, there's still more floors and more things above the floors. This is what happens when one is depressed for a long time. When you finally come out of that depression there is so much to do. There is ALL THE THINGS to do. And then people say, "hey, that's great! It looks good! I'm glad to see you feel better!" 

And then proceed to do zero to help it stay that way. Fuck all. 

Get the hell out of my kitchen.

This is why Moms feel like servants. Because not only do they often do a lion's share of the cleaning, people don't help KEEP things clean. They'll leave they're dirty dishes and uncleaned lunchboxes in the kitchen (I peeked inside...and I'm pissed about him leaving a good container in there. I refuse to take it out and it's our lunch salad container and he'd better actually WASH it because if he leaves it for me I'll throw it away.) Dirty shoes by the dozen in the door way. Dirty socks. Food wrappers. For Christ's sake, there is a trash can in every room, USE THEM.

I don't think this is going well. I can't find the patience today. I don't want to be boring and complaining is boring. But I need to do my hour a day. Sometimes you have to push through a lot of dreck to get to the good stuff. Set a habit, set a habit, set a habit. I did do my morning pages today. I'm getting hungry and I kind of want to make loaded baked potatoes for dinner but we don't have any sour cream. I wonder if the Dollar General has any sour cream.