When you need a vacation but you don't want to travel to the vacation.

We're going to the Humongous Fungus Festival in Michigan.

I want to go. I actually asked to go. I haven't been on a vacation, an actual vacation where you just go to have fun and no other reason, in...I don't know five years? More?

But I don't want to travel. I don't like driving or riding long distances. A long distance is more than twenty minutes for me. I don't want to sleep in a bed that's not mine. I don't want to leave my cats. We have a house-sitter we trust; I just don't want to leave them. I don't want to leave my garden. I'll water tonight, but what if it gets really hot? 

But I really do want to go to the festival.

These are not Michigan mushrooms. I took this picture in 2015, I think. I tried to find my drawing of a fairy ring but this is what you get. Aren't they cute? They were so delicate.

We're leaving tomorrow and I've procrastinated because if I don't prepare I won't really have to go, right? No, that's not how it works and now have a huge list of stuff to do today. We're leaving tomorrow.

 

Having one of those days, one of those high anxiety days.

High Anxiety.

That's the post. I tried to write more about the anxiety, but that just added to the anxiety. The kind of anxiety where you're not having a panic attack but that's only because you haven't been asked to go anywhere or do anything.

So basically still a panic attack, but just about existing. And you smoke too much and drink too much coffee and of course that doesn't help.

I go over my gratitudes. I go over the things for which I have gratitude. Gratitudes sounds better, stop telling me it's not a word, Spellcheck Redline. I feel gratitude, but the anxiety doesn't care. 

Spellcheck Redline has no imagination. 

And I try to make myself feel better by resting and distracting myself, but then I'm just anxious about how much more I'll have to do when I feel "better". 

Better is relative. 

Here's a picture of my cat sitting in the clean laundry to balance out my emotional issues. Isn't she cute?

My little abyss, Queen of the Clean Towels.

Always with the tests and practice.

Lawd, I thought once I was out of school I was done with the homework and tests and practice. Not so, Grasshopper.

I'm reading and researching, writing scripts, doing practice videos, figuring out where to look for the camera, testing makeup looks, trying to figure out how to set up my new phone so that it's a good height for recording. Shew. I don't want the camera (phone camera, but still) to be tilted up at me because I don't want people looking up my nostrils. I'm...how do you say it, sensitive? Self-conscious, that's it, I'm self-conscious about the size of my nose already (it's a feature on my father's side) and I feel better when the camera is straight on or slightly above my eye line so my huge nostrils aren't front and center.

So many things to remember. Good posture. Leaning back is unattractive for the lines of the neck and face and leaning forward looks hunched and draws attention to the jowls,

I'm once again frustrated by the makeup. The new camera has much higher definition. I was worried it would show more of the lines in my face and you know what, they are that bad. I've been consistent about my skin care routine. I need to do better moisturizing my lips and for god's sake, STOP SMOKING. The lips naturally thin as one ages and I didn't have super full lips to begin with. When you draw on a cigarette you reinforce those tiny lines around you lips. 

Now, you may be asking (because I know I am), why does all this matter? 

Why do I need to worry about this nonsense, why do I need to look "better", shouldn't my personality be all I need? I'M FUN.

Maybe. Maybe so. But I will be editing these videos. And if I'm cringing over all these things I won't be focusing on what's important. COMEDY!!!! Oh, and learning. But hey, comedy helps. I want to be fun and entertaining, that helps bring people in and we can all learn and grow together. If I can develop a natural screen presence then I'll feel far more comfortable making the videos and take less time editing them. Once I learn how to edit on my phone.

Gotta learn to sparkle, Shirley!

Surely I can learn to sparkle. I've already got the curly hair, that's mine naturally. Now I just need to grow an onscreen persona. Easy as pie.

See? That's entertainment. And we learned why it's important. Yay!

Shirley Temple, mid-sparkle.

If you can't walk in through the door....

 ....climb in through the window. 

I've been trying to start a YouTube channel and been frustrated at every turn because all of my tech is so old. My laptop was bought in 2009. My phone was an Samsung S8. We were given an a camera, a  Nikon D3300, but my antique laptop won't run any of the video editing software I need.

I was grumbling to myself this morning because I've watched plenty of videos and read web articles and books that say you can start with just a phone. But my phone was so old!

Hey. Duh. I bought that four years ago, at least. When did it come out? 2017. Yep. Definitely time for an upgrade. 

So that's what I did. Upgraded to a top of the line Samsung. Now I just need to figure out the video editing on the phone. It has a built in stylus!

Look out! He's watching you!

Keerist, I don't even look the same person. Well, I guess I do, I just don't feel like that's the same person. I don't feel like that person is me, the one on the left. That's two days apart there, not ten years. The right side is no makeup in natural light. The left is with minimal makeup in the light from my bathroom. I didn't even use a filter. But I don't like wearing makeup, not even minimal. I can feel it on my skin, sitting there, feeling weird. I've gone thirty years not wearing makeup. 

This laptop is thirteen years old. I don't even want to think about what an up-to-date PC camera is going to do. All those evil mega-pixels, or whatever they are, picking up every last wrinkle and sag.

Welcome to my first world problem. Although I kinda feel like there should be a better name for it that First World, Third World shit is tired and classicist. Is there a Second World? I suppose I could google it, except I don't use Google to search anymore. Where's a Gen-Zer to tell me what they use nowadays?

My Facebook and Instagram hiatus will be up soon. At least, the year and I day I vowed to stay off is up July 22. 

I did some of the things I set out to do. And didn't do others. I don't want to talk about. 

I don't have to go back on of course, but I'm itching to start a new writing idea, an idea for sort of memoirs. I have a mosquito bite on my left inner wrist and it's itching like crazy. More than one thing is itching.

 

Well, I got something done.

I had planned to design a memorial necklace for my cat Loki. He was extra special, my Professional Therapy Cat. I gave him that title in jest, but he really was an emotional support for me. I don't want to talk about how  he passed. He was only two years old. 

I bought beads to make a memorial necklace, but after I got everything out, all the specially chosen beads and my tools and started to lay everything out...I knew it would be just what I wanted and perfect. And I couldn't work on it anymore. 

Here it's partially laid out.

I can work on it again next week. I made a chain for my glasses instead. So I got something done. I didn't try for any real design, just pulled random three, four, and six millimeters beads.

Now I'm a legit old lady.

Too legit to quit. I don't like aging, but at least I have style and skills. 

This is going to take awhile. You may need a snack and a drink.

I tested some makeup application today for the camera, specifically for filming. We were given a Nikon D3300 by a friend who had bought a newer model, so I need to learn how to use it. Today I just used my phone to record video. 

I rarely wear makeup. My eyes are very sensitive and I can't stand the feel of foundation or primer on my skin. But I think I've managed to figure out a minimal routine I can fel good about. 

The makeup looked fine in a selfie snapped from above head level in the bathroom.

But on video in my office in natural light with the phone a head level...well, I'm not posting that stuff.

I am starting to look my age and I just want to cry. It's not like I care how others see me. I really don't but I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. That aging, overweight person is not me. Why is my nose so damn big? It didn't use (used?) to look like that. Yes, it was not a tiny nose, but I feel like it's taking over my face. I'm getting jowls. A crepey neck. Is this body dysmorphia? I feel like it might be. I feel like I'm in there somewhere, but I'm so exhausted I can't find my way out. That image is not me. That is not the age I feel. 

This really doesn't help my depression. 

I have what I think is a good idea for a YouTube channel, one that could help people. I filmed a test video today, reading the Constitution of the United States aloud, with commentary attempting to explain it in more modern, simple language. 

I have a decent level of reading comprehension and some talent for paraphrasing, but deconstructing the stilted language of 18th century educated people is  step above. It will require a lot more practice, repetition, note taking, research, etc. I'll probably have to write out scripts for myself. Also, learning the basics of video editing, there's another task. My occasional spacing out, my snarky uber-liberal comments (trying to help ALL people understand stuff), all that should be snipped out. Not that I won't show my liberal leanings, just attempt to keep my language as neutral as possible. 

 

This entry is too long. I have to make dinner now.

Movies iz Fun

I went to the movies with one of my sons (DB) today, so -- good times. I love going to the movies. I love horror movies the most, but DB is not a fan, so The Black Phone was out. I'll have to see that one by myself. We saw Elvis and it was really good, definitely recommended.

This photo is from our last movie Top Gun: Maverick. I couldn't take one today, we just barely made it to our seats before the feature started. Missed the trailers, darn it. But I got my ticket for my movie notebook.

When I'm infamous and dead my grandchildren will love it.

Afterwards we went to Half-Price Books to find a book on the United States Constitution, because I have what I think is a pretty good idea for a YouTube channel and it's still in development but I need to read the Constitution. Yeah, I promise it will be more interesting than it sounds. 

I got a migraine on the way home, because of the sun.

Totally worth it.

Tex is pretending to comfort me in my migraine recovery, but really she just wants attention because she didn't want me to type. She got miffed and left when I wouldn't stop typing.

Cats are assholes, but they're so darn cute.

Why didn't I think of this before?

I finally caught wise that Blogger has a damn app, so I downloaded that shit PDQ. Now I can post with photos from my phone. I can't do that with the Blogger website on my phone browser, not with photos. Now I can. A post a day? One can but hope.

Lookit me, talking like anyone reads this. It's a process, okay? I'm trying to create healthy habits.

Here's some more flowers from my garden. Calendula, yarrow, and a bit of lavender. 

Am I healthy yet?

This huge pile of greens....

....cooks down to this little pile of greens.

I grew these myself, they're a mix of kale and turnip greens. Gathering them was simple, but cleaning them was tedious. Wash, wash, wash (so much water!), inspect every leaf (I found one baby caterpillar, one dead spider, and one live earwig-- ewwwww), and trim all the stems. Cooking went fast but this process made a big mess.

I made four prepped meals with wheat berries, cannellini beans, greens, and various seasonings. 

Four meals. That's it, that's all it made. Four meals. This is exhausting and I still need to clean the kitchen and water the garden but I have to wait until around sunset to water. That's two hours from now. I'm so fucking tired and sad and I just want to go to bed.

At least my front garden looks nice.

Crawling back to wellness after six years of dark times is exhausting. I used to be fit. I used to be stable. I used to write. I used to finish things, projects I mean.

I'm really trying but I'm so tired.

Practice makes practice.

 Hmmm. It seems I can post text from my phone, but not photos. Alas. 

I've been taking a long break from social media, from Facebook and Instagram.  In fact, it's been nearly a year. I set the hiatus for a year and a day. It has helped calm my chaotic brain but I haven't progressed in healing as much as I had hoped I would. I still have intrusive thoughts which I've tried to drown out with YouTube. 

You know what I miss the most? Not connections with friends and family or keeping up with current events...good lord, NOT current events. Posting pictures. 

But I can't post photos on the blog from my phone. 

And another trip back to square one --the scary square.

 Soooooo, trying to figure out how to upload photos to a post from my phone. If I could post from my phone it would be simpler to keep up a habit. But I prefer posting wih photos and I'm not seeing how to do it. 

Frustration.