When you need a vacation but you don't want to travel to the vacation.

We're going to the Humongous Fungus Festival in Michigan.

I want to go. I actually asked to go. I haven't been on a vacation, an actual vacation where you just go to have fun and no other reason, in...I don't know five years? More?

But I don't want to travel. I don't like driving or riding long distances. A long distance is more than twenty minutes for me. I don't want to sleep in a bed that's not mine. I don't want to leave my cats. We have a house-sitter we trust; I just don't want to leave them. I don't want to leave my garden. I'll water tonight, but what if it gets really hot? 

But I really do want to go to the festival.

These are not Michigan mushrooms. I took this picture in 2015, I think. I tried to find my drawing of a fairy ring but this is what you get. Aren't they cute? They were so delicate.

We're leaving tomorrow and I've procrastinated because if I don't prepare I won't really have to go, right? No, that's not how it works and now have a huge list of stuff to do today. We're leaving tomorrow.

 

Having one of those days, one of those high anxiety days.

High Anxiety.

That's the post. I tried to write more about the anxiety, but that just added to the anxiety. The kind of anxiety where you're not having a panic attack but that's only because you haven't been asked to go anywhere or do anything.

So basically still a panic attack, but just about existing. And you smoke too much and drink too much coffee and of course that doesn't help.

I go over my gratitudes. I go over the things for which I have gratitude. Gratitudes sounds better, stop telling me it's not a word, Spellcheck Redline. I feel gratitude, but the anxiety doesn't care. 

Spellcheck Redline has no imagination. 

And I try to make myself feel better by resting and distracting myself, but then I'm just anxious about how much more I'll have to do when I feel "better". 

Better is relative. 

Here's a picture of my cat sitting in the clean laundry to balance out my emotional issues. Isn't she cute?

My little abyss, Queen of the Clean Towels.

Always with the tests and practice.

Lawd, I thought once I was out of school I was done with the homework and tests and practice. Not so, Grasshopper.

I'm reading and researching, writing scripts, doing practice videos, figuring out where to look for the camera, testing makeup looks, trying to figure out how to set up my new phone so that it's a good height for recording. Shew. I don't want the camera (phone camera, but still) to be tilted up at me because I don't want people looking up my nostrils. I'm...how do you say it, sensitive? Self-conscious, that's it, I'm self-conscious about the size of my nose already (it's a feature on my father's side) and I feel better when the camera is straight on or slightly above my eye line so my huge nostrils aren't front and center.

So many things to remember. Good posture. Leaning back is unattractive for the lines of the neck and face and leaning forward looks hunched and draws attention to the jowls,

I'm once again frustrated by the makeup. The new camera has much higher definition. I was worried it would show more of the lines in my face and you know what, they are that bad. I've been consistent about my skin care routine. I need to do better moisturizing my lips and for god's sake, STOP SMOKING. The lips naturally thin as one ages and I didn't have super full lips to begin with. When you draw on a cigarette you reinforce those tiny lines around you lips. 

Now, you may be asking (because I know I am), why does all this matter? 

Why do I need to worry about this nonsense, why do I need to look "better", shouldn't my personality be all I need? I'M FUN.

Maybe. Maybe so. But I will be editing these videos. And if I'm cringing over all these things I won't be focusing on what's important. COMEDY!!!! Oh, and learning. But hey, comedy helps. I want to be fun and entertaining, that helps bring people in and we can all learn and grow together. If I can develop a natural screen presence then I'll feel far more comfortable making the videos and take less time editing them. Once I learn how to edit on my phone.

Gotta learn to sparkle, Shirley!

Surely I can learn to sparkle. I've already got the curly hair, that's mine naturally. Now I just need to grow an onscreen persona. Easy as pie.

See? That's entertainment. And we learned why it's important. Yay!

Shirley Temple, mid-sparkle.

If you can't walk in through the door....

 ....climb in through the window. 

I've been trying to start a YouTube channel and been frustrated at every turn because all of my tech is so old. My laptop was bought in 2009. My phone was an Samsung S8. We were given an a camera, a  Nikon D3300, but my antique laptop won't run any of the video editing software I need.

I was grumbling to myself this morning because I've watched plenty of videos and read web articles and books that say you can start with just a phone. But my phone was so old!

Hey. Duh. I bought that four years ago, at least. When did it come out? 2017. Yep. Definitely time for an upgrade. 

So that's what I did. Upgraded to a top of the line Samsung. Now I just need to figure out the video editing on the phone. It has a built in stylus!