Who gave the bitch in the back a drink?

Staring at the page. Staring at the page. Staring at the big mutha fuckin blank goddamn page. 

Why are the fonts in my posts all over the place? Some posts the fonts are tiny, some the fonts seem normal. What’s up with that? 

Fonts are so much NOT what I want to write about. How about I write about the fucking oversensitivity of my keyboard and how it randomly opens up tools I don’t need and haven’t asked for and bringing up new windows or tabs I don't want and changing the formatting of whatever I'm typing randomly when I use Word.  Like while I was type this paragraph? It suddenly aligned itself center. NO. I do not want to fucking center this paragraph! So I have t 

Christ, it just happened again. This time? It tabbed the paragraph in, then brought up a window with options for things to “open”, you know, as if I wanted to open a new file…NO, I do not, I just want to fucking finish typing a fucking sentence!  

The worst one is when I am typing out a funny facebook post or a comment of praise on a insightful article I just read and I’d like to ask a sort of detailed question and I’m almost done AND… 

…and the hypersensitivity of the keys suddenly highlights the entire post and with the next keystroke it’s deleted. Fuck you, computer, eff-to-the-uck YOU. 

I think it may have something to do with how fast I type, which is pretty fast.  It may be the shortcuts and sticky keys combos that are supposed to make your computer work faster and easier. I don’t care about these and cannot remember my own new house phone number, so why would I try to remember a bunch of stupid shortcuts but my computer apparently feels I need them, because it keeps reminding me they are available. I’ve looked but I can’t figure out how to turn them off! 

My possessed computer is also not what I want to write about. But look, it filled up thirty minutes.  

I’m sure it only took you a couple of minutes to read what it took half an hour to drag out of my brain.
I’m super-cranky today. Also feeling...not good enough. There's a mean part of my brain that starts to whisper to me when I start getting excited about the possibility of writing a real, actual novel. "Who's going to read that? You think you're good? Look at all the people who are way better than you, look at how long it took them to get published. You're nowhere near that good. You are wasting your time, you should be using your energy for something else."

"You're being delusional. You're going to make a fool of yourself."

That's my biggest fear.

I really wish this back of the brain bitch would shut up.

I think my next post will be a cast of characters. From my own life I mean. Heh, cast and crew. Get your name in the credits! I will be introducing the various facets of my own brain too, so I'm sure that will be...creepy...for you to read. Okay, I really want a cigarette now. I've been keeping it to two a day, very occasionally three if I'd had a really bad day. It's keeping me from ripping my hair out by the roots. So that's good.

 

 

Friday 5: At the movies. I know it's Sunday, shut up.

From the good people at Friday 5.  This one is especially suited to me, I adore going to the movies, it’s a very special thing for me. I love going alone. I love going with my sons. I love standing in line anticipating the show, reading the posters for the other movies. I like the horrible popcorn. I never buy the overpriced candy there though, we always go to the Walgreens first and get candy there and sometimes our drinks too if its wintertime and we have plenty of pockets in which to stash them.

This was super quick to type up so it’s an apology for the previous boring, short entry.

1.       Where in the theater do you like to sit when you’re at the movies?

When I was a child I loved the front row, gods know why. You certainly can’t see properly up there. Maybe because I was and kid and short and didn’t want people blocking my view.

When I’m with the boys we usually sit about the middle of the theater, but I have to have the seat on the end of the row, next to the aisle. I don’t like feeling hemmed in and I usually have to go to the bathroom at least once during the movie, dangit.

When I go by myself I sit in the very back row on the aisle. Most people don’t like to sit back there, so I have a large area to myself and if I do have to use the bathroom it’s quick to get out and back again.

2.      What characteristics does the ideal movie companion have?

I really enjoy going to the movies with my son, DB. We like a lot of the same type of movies, sometimes for the same reasons and sometimes for different reasons. We have great talks afterwards about the movie itself, the genre, the movie business, what we’d do different if we were in charge, the historical accuracy of the movie.  An ideal movie companion for me is someone who will discuss the movie afterward with me with as much enthusiasm as my own. DB wants to be an actor and he’s scary smart too.

3.      What memory do you have of things not going quite as usual at the movies?

The re-release of Star Wars on the big screen. I was too young to see it the first time. By the time The Empire Strikes Back came out I was a definite geek girl fan. I stood in a line around the building to see that one.  So when Star Wars was rereleased in the theaters I was really, really excited. Ridiculously excited.

I don’t remember what year that was, but DB was quite small, maybe one or two? We went as a family. Usually DB was pretty okay in the theater, falling asleep during the movie. But not this time. He started to fuss and fuss. He didn’t want his Dad. I couldn’t let him bother the other movie patrons who had also, I’m sure, been ridiculously excited to see Star Wars on the big screen. So I had to take DB out in the hall and walk him up and down, let him toddle and tire himself out. He finally fell asleep. I didn’t miss the whole movie, but missed a few classic scenes. DB is mightily embarrassed about this now, being a big ol’ sci-fi geek himself.

4. What are your feelings about commercials and movie previews playing before the film you’re there to see?

I don’t mind them a bit. I really like the previews (MORE movies to plan to watch!) and with the commercials added in, it gives you extra time before the movie if you’re a bit late because of traffic or what have you.

5.      Who is an actor or director whose involvement in a film is enough to make you want to see it?

M. Night Shamaylan. Shut up, I like him. Robert Downey, Jr. Ridley Scott. Tommy Lee Jones is usually good in anything. Angelina Jolie.

Thanks for participating, and have a reel good weekend!

 

Characters, stahp!

Internet was acting up this morning so not posting in the AM. My brain is on fast forward, I have plotlines and characters and scenes from three different possible books running through my head they are all tangled up and they just won’t stop. The people are walking and talking and not stopping. I have whole first chapter of one story and a large portion of the plot and Christ I just don’t have the time to sit down and write it right now.  I’m afraid I’m going to lose it. I don’t even have time to type out the notes right now.

THIS is what is so damn frustrating about wanting to write. When I get like this, if I sit down and start the story I won’t be able to stop for hours, it will absolutely consume me and I have other things that MUST get done, both tonight and for the rest of the week.

Maybe I can get the notes typed up tomorrow morning if I get up early enough before I have to go to the apartment for cleaning duty.

Neither here nor there and yet everywhere.

Last night I dreamed a stranger (a person unknown to me in real life) read my blog and liked it and put me on his list of blogs to read. It’s called “following” on Blogger for any friends and family possibly reading this, so if I say I have a new stranger following me it doesn’t mean I’m being stalked, just expanding my sphere of influence. Insert evil laugh here!

But alas, c’est pas vrai. It is not so. Not today at least.

I am not feeling the flow today, the mental flow. Perhaps because I am feeling the physical flow instead. Making lots of spelling and grammar errors. Unintentional ones, not my regular ol’ pinball brain slang. Meh. Having a hard time concentrating on spoken words too. TheMan is telling me more about Jim Croce and as I only know his two most popular songs I’m trying to listen because I really do want to know. I find myself having to pay attention to individual words and repeat the sentences in my head. I’ll probably have to do that at work too. I know I frown in concentration when I do this; I’ll have to try hard not to. Don’t want clients thinking I’m not happy to be there.

I met the most interesting client yesterday. I wish I could describe this person, but my code of ethics as a massage therapist does not allow it. I can’t even tell you the gender of the person. But the person was dressed uniquely and had definite flair. Casual flair, inexpensive flair, putting together the simplest of garments and yet drawing the eye (mine at least) while being a quiet person. Usually that sort of confidence and ease of style comes with maturity but the person was quite young (to me). I know the persons age; I just can’t tell you the exact number.

 I really like my job. I meet people one-on-one and interact with them in a way that delights my introvert soul and helps them renew and heal themselves on both physical and emotional levels.

Must eat and get ready for work now. I work every other weekend ten a.m. to four p.m. It’s two long days but good for the paycheck. I like that too.

Goddamnit...that fucking hurt.

Do you know what I just did?

Do you know what I just did?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST DID?!!!!!

Of course you don't, because I haven't told you yet and you're not psychic. If you are psychic, don't tell me. That would sort of creep me out.

I just accidentally closed out the tab for today's post.  A post that was only half-finished but had lots of nice links and relevant pictures with sources labeled and hardly any swearing. I had a bunch of tabs open and it was getting confusing so I was closing out the ones I'd linked to as sources already. And with the slip of the hand and eye...I closed out the blogger dashboard tab where I was creating said post.  I just lost all that hard work and cleverness because I closed out the wrong damn tab. Because I wasn't following my own intended SOP of writing the post in Word and copying it over after it was finished.



I couldn't find a source listed for this but it looks like originally it was a Very Demotivational meme.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. This is causing me actual physical pain and nausea. Oh mygods, that fucking hurt.

That'll learn me, hm? Yeah. That will learn me.

If it hurts this much, does it mean I'm a real writer?

Edit: Do you know what I found after I published this post? Blogger brings up the list of all your posts after you publish one, I guess so you can label or edit them immediately if you so choose. And second from the top? There was my lost post, saved as a draft. Thankyouthankyouthankyou, dear gods, thank you.

...in which I am silly and whingy by turns.

I am not feeling the muse today. I'm about to get my period and...yes, that's right! I said that OUT LOUD! Uterine lining will be shed tonight! Fear my mighty mood-swings! Cower as I stomp through the house demanding chocolate and searching for a heating pad!

Okay, I'm done now. Anyway, perhaps the muse...shall we name her? I'm influenced by the Greek mythology I read as a child, so I envision any muse as female. Should I choose one of the original nine muses? None of them really fit for blogging, except maybe Clio as the muse of history-which I suppose technically fits because the second I click publish my words become a reference to the barely passed past. But I don't like "technically." Let's name her something else. I'll have to think on it. Maybe my muse will provide her own name somehow.

I'm cold! I want a cigarette! Guess I'm not done quite yet.

Moving on! My muse did not show up. Except she sort of did, because obviously I'm typing right this minute. She's phoning it in. I hope she's not musing some other would-be author. I want all the muse for myself! Maybe she's out climbing trees.

The flood of hormones is amplifying the pinball tendencies of my brain.  I have to get dressed for work, I should start now even though I have forty minutes before I need to leave, because in this state of mind it will take me that long to get ready. I am unsatisfied with this post. But at least I posted.

Hey. Hey. Hey. I almost forgot. I have an idea for a collaboration with my son Dexter and myself. Stick-figure comic book histories! I would research the history of something...say, salt. Like way back to the beginning research. Write it up in my own particular idiom, paraphrasing it in a funny way while still maintaining accuracy of fact. Have Dexter illustrate them with his stick figures! His stick figures are not just regular old stick figures, they have definite Dexter style. At least, I think so. I am his mom, it's possible I have a slight bias. I'll have to post some so you can see what I mean. He's been drawing them for ten years now, he's really developed their...je ne sais quoi. Helping educate people through funny! It's the best of two awesome worlds! Two great tastes that taste great together! That is the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of ideas!

Hey, no one is allowed to steal that idea, that is MY idea! I claim that idea. Copyright! Dexter needs a real job, he's twenty-one and can't drive yet, for Christ's sake!

Okay, seriously I'm done now. My laptop battery is running down and now I only have twenty-four minutes to get ready. Twenty-three...

A plethora, nay, a veritable surfeit of memes...

Yay, I found 30 Day Memes! I was looking for short writing prompts, stuff I could knock out in thirty minutes or so on the days I have to go to work and can't spend three hours whacking away at the keys.  It...doesn't really help me today, because I spent so much reading all the fun thirty day writing, photo, video, and drawing challenges that I'm out of time. I have to prepare the pot roast for the crockpot before I go to work. So...bye!