Castles, Hospitals, Railway stations, and V616 Mon -- One of These Things is NOT like the Others

This has nothing to do with Carrie Fisher.
It's the timeline for my first real novel.
It's almost six feet long.
It will end up being three novels, a series.
 NO. A mother fucking SAGA!

A thought struck me. Just now. While I was playing Zombie Mart.

Today is the first day of 2017! Thank the fucking gods. Get me the hell outta De-troit.

I don't actually live in Detroit. That last witticism sounded funnier in my head. Detroit is a perfectly nice place and I hear it's on the mend as a city. NPR told me that.

So I'm trying to stay off Facebook for at least two weeks, until January 10. Not checking in to Facebook is proving... difficult. I chose this course of action last Tuesday, December 27, 2016. The day that stole Carrie Fisher from us. She died at 60 years old. General Leia Organa is gone and after so many other great talents lost this year (and the election of He-Who-Doesn't-Deserve-Mention-On-MY-Blog as president of the United States), the death of the women who helped create my first personal hero just messed me up.

When I was a shy, intelligent child in the 1970s, a time when there was not many strong female characters, especially in sci fi and fantasy, her pride and bravery in the face of danger was amazing. She was Princess Leia then, of course.

But I don't want to fall maudlin, really I don't. This explanation is why I'm not checking into or posting to Facebook right now. It's because I swore off Facebook for two weeks, no more bad news for me. I wanted to swear off the internet for two weeks, but I can't do a lot of my projects, creative, worthwhile projects, without the internet. I'm trying not to listen to the radio either. I was giving the explanation of why I'm dropping the following idea here in my blog instead of on Facebook. Here, with my precious idea. Where perhaps ONE person will see it, instead of at least ten people on my friends list, and possibly more, and they would tell me how amazing my idea is.

No one said it was easy having principles and goals. Now I need a break from the intensity of explaining my explanation. No one said being a writer was easy. They did say it would be worth it and it is.

Goddamnit, I hate that damn music on Zombie Mart. Don't follow that link. Seriously, don't do it. You'll be sor-ry! That game is a time suck of black hole proportions. <That link you can follow. It's educational!

Sometimes the cleverness is simply irresistible. I mean -- unavoidable. It's irresistible AND unavoidable. Like me! 'Cause it's my cleverness, you see how that works?

Now I want to log in to Facebook and brag about my cleverness and post a link to this blog entry. Braggin' and bloggin', that's how I'm attempting to occupy my 2017 New Year's Day. And here I thought I'd just be organizing my coin collection.

I'm totally serious about that last bit. I have a coin collection, of a very amateur sort. I bought some new organizational preservation-type holders for my rarer coins and for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Because Corpus Callosum knows how to party!

Perhaps my blog persona ought to be named Tangential. Back to the original reason I came to post today.

Directional colour lines in a hospital corridor.

This is a hospital corridor. Perhaps you are familiar with this type of directional assistance, colour lines on the floor to help you find your way. Hospital corridors usually have little to distinguish one from another and if you're directionally challenged like SOME people I could mention (it's me) navigating these halls, especially when taxed with anxiety over a loved one or just over the fact that you have to get a test done -- it's easy to get lost.

Some hospitals have the lines on the floor to make it easier for the staff to give directions and for the person inquiring to follow those directions.

Speaking of finding your way...

 

Dear gods, what the actual blue fuck?
Don't get me wrong. I love purple.
A good eighty percent of my wardrobe
 is purple. But I mean really...

This is Guy's & St. Thomas Hospital in London. I don't know who Guy is, or why he's important enough to have his name in a hospital listed before a saint's name, but there it is. I wonder which St. Thomas it was. Hm, it seems it was St. Thomas Becket.  Do you know him? He had an argument with King Henry II. It didn't end well. But that's what happens when you fuck with the founder of English Common Law and the man strong enough in heart and mind to be married to Eleanor of Aquataine.

What happens is you get hospitals named after you. But I digress.

So I imagine conversations going something like this: 
Staffer -"Take the next left and stop when you see the purple dots."

Inquirer - "How will I know when I've reached the purple dots?"

Staffer - "Oh, you'll know."

It's funnier if you read it in a British accent.

This is what happens when I'm not allowed to post my passing thoughts on Facebook. They turn in to rambling nonsensical blog posts. This blog post could use some directional colour lines to help guide a reader to the fucking point.

This post is an example of why I get along so well with Jeremy and Chris from Cinema Sins. Nah, I don't actually know them. I'm not even sure those are their names. But I feel like I know them, or at least Jeremy, because he sometimes talks like me and I can relate to that. I want this t-shirt. If I had my own YouTube channel, I would be shouting out to them all the damn time.

Victoria Train Station in London, England

I want my own YouTube channel. I don't have a proper camera though and I think I really ought to have a proper camera. I would call it "I Like It Like That" and I would just talk about all the stuff I like. But it would be funny, because I'm hilarious. Many drunk people have told me so.

You might also have seen directional colour lines in train stations, another place I've gotten lost in. It's not really too hard for me to get lost. Cover my eyes and turn me around three times and I have no idea where I am. Constantly getting lost used to cause me great anxiety but now I decide to have interesting times getting myself found again. Also having a smart phone with GPS is a godsend.

ATTENTION! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE! WE HAVE FINALLY ARRIVED AT THE POINT OF THIS ENTRY! TAKE YOUR SEATS!

Pictured above: Actual European castle.

Some of my castles, the castles in the stories I will write -- they're currently being written, I just haven't gotten around to thorough descriptions of castles -- will have lines of colour in the corridors, to help you find your way. Mosaics on the floor, or different colours of stone on the walls. It will be gorgeous! Different mosaics on certain walls in each section, to help distinguish them. I'll have to find different ways for the different series. Don't want to be repetitive.

Like when I realized I've worked in too many instances of people cutting off their hair to symbolize something big has just happened. I wanted to use it in almost every novel. Oh the scenes would be different, very different. But the idea was becoming cliche before I even had a chance to introduce it.

Damn, I'm clever.

This castle does not appear large enough to get lost in. YET.

I need to start using my Wordpress blog. The cleverness of me cannot be restricted to just one blog. I think I'll use this one for the rambling, profanity laden posts and I'll use the other one to explore the other creative side of myself. I have several. They argue sometimes. So if I have two blogs then if they get on my nerves I can send them each to their own blogs and get them out of my hair. Head. Whatever.

I think it is now too late to take a walk.

Drink some water, you'll feel better.

Of course, at night when I'm exhausted my brain has ALL THE IDEAS. But when I get up in the morning and want to implement one, just one, for a blog entry, my brain says, nope. Nope, what were you thinking? Nope.

I wanted to take one of the pages I have open on tabs either on the laptop or on my phone and link to the page and then discuss said information. But they're all either too short or too long to discuss this morning. I need to get a hundred other things done today.

I don't want to just blow off my blog for the whole of November. If I go too long making entries it's hard to get back to them.

I really need some time off. Away from everything, everyone. I wish I could take a vacation all on my own. I might plan a whole vacation on my own. It may never be taken, but it would be fun to plan it. Where should I go? Let's start small. Yeah, I could plan to go anywhere, but I want to start with someplace close. Let's make the goal realistic, okay? Some people say, "Dream big! If you're not going anyway, just go crazy! Or maybe, "You don't know you'll never go, visualize!"

But I find planning for a big trip overwhelming. Like...I'd like to go to China to see the end of the Great Wall, where it meets the ocean. But that's insanely expensive and I don't even have my passport. So why don't I plan a small vacation. Like...a weekend. No, I want to plan a week. But a weekend is more reasonable. No I don't want to be reasonable! I want to have fun! If I plan for a week I'd have to take off work! Okay fine, plan for both. Do one plan for a weekend -- maybe a four day weekend -- and one plan for a week. We'll plan for some place close, within a two hour driving radius from where I currently live. And it's me and only me. What will I do? Go hiking? Maybe. I've heard Starved Rock park is really pretty and I've seen pictures from my friends' trips, so I know it's true.

Looks like a good choice.

And I think Starved Rock is only a few hours away. Let me check. Ooh, they have a lodge! That's pretty much perfect for the first time. Dude, they're only an hour away. Not even that much. I am soooo going to Starved Rock State Park.

Or at least elaborately planning a vacation BY MYSELF to said park.

I don't know who Brene Brown is, but I'm feeling this.

Only it's not a midlife crisis, I've felt like this for a long time. But yeah, midlife seems to be the tipping point. I hate thinking about the idea that I'm at midlife. Fuck that! I want at least a hundred more years to do stuff! I've only just now figured out who I am! I refuse to go out in my nineties, I'm not going anywhere. Fuck you guys and your stupid "aging". I refuse to age anymore. I won't do it. 

In fact? I'm going to un-age. De-age? Instead of gaining a year on my birthday, I'm going to subtract a year. I'm going to tell myself I'm a year younger until my subconscious believes it. Then I'll do the same the next year and the next year until I reach...twenty-seven. That's a good age. Young enough to still look great and have lots of energy (unless you were me at twenty-seven, I looked like shit, but all the more reason to hit the reset button) but old enough to have a better car insurance payment and decent credit rating if you've been careful.

The ever-watchful eye. I like the single eye symbol, but I can do without the pyramid.
I should do a Zentangle of this.

Stand together.

Bang. Bang. Bang. BANG. BANG.

Slow and steady and terrifyingly LOUD.

I sit in a room with a group of people. The floor beneath us shakes with the force of the blows we hear. The walls shake, the windows rattle with the force and we can hear the creaking of the joists. 

We can hear the roaring outside, the terrible roaring. It’s getting louder.

There’s a monster pounding at the door. And it will get in. That cannot be stopped.

I look to my left and I look to my right and I look all around me and see that I am not alone. We are shaking and crying and scared but we are each stronger than we know. I reach out my hand on either side and I can feel that I’m not alone. I have my friends. 

We can face this monster down. It may wreck our house and all that we’ve built but we’ll face the monster down and come out the other side.

And we will find new friends along the way. You will find friends in places you never thought to look. REACH OUT TO THEM. DO NOT LET FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN KEEP YOU FROM MAKING A CONNECTION.

While searching for images for this post, I found a picture of a sixteen year old boy living in India. The boy has neurofibromatosis, a genetic condition which causes uncontrollable growths along the nerves. He's a modern day medicine man, half his face is grown larger than the other, it looks bloated and swollen and melting.

I have food, shelter, money...privilege. I am scared of the monster at the door and what will happen to my friends, but I have gratitude for all I have as well.

Find your gratitudes.

Comic Misdirection

Master Chicken, Kung Fu Panda 3

Today's entry is just a picture of Master Chicken from Kung Fu Panda 3. And these sentences, stating that this picture is all the entry consists of. Because MASTER CHICKEN. I am giggly about the idea of a Kung Fu Master chicken. 

Technically he's a rooster. But they don't call him Master Rooster. Because roosters are badass, why do you think they have cock fights? And now this picture of a kung fu chicken will show up in some odd keyword searches.

Future Tense

Word Porn needs to get out of my fucking head. Seriously. Yes, my life has changed. I changed it myself, though I didn't even know I was doing it. By making changes that I knew I really wanted, by taking on things that scared me (which really, does it even count when FUCKING EVERYTHING scares me?) but I really wanted -- I created some sort of fundamental shift in my core. Or maybe it was there the whole time, this person, this being, this life but the path just needed to be exposed.

I had a dream once, a long time ago, where I met a version of my future self and cried with happiness because I thought I'd never find her, or never her see her again, I can't remember what I said exactly in the dream. This was a very long time ago. At least twenty-years. But I think I've found her, my future self. 

How do you know that you really know what you think you know?

Does it know where I left my favorite pen?

 Hm. And what if that inner voice is a bitch? Indeed, I have more than one inner voice and some of them think really stupid stuff is a good idea. Like the voice that wants donuts all the time. What about that voice? How about the voice that wants to tell people the absolute truth all the time? While that's "good" in theory, in real-world practice it can cause you a lot of unneeded difficulties. So which inner voice should I be listening too?

I prefer the term "Inner Knowing" for my intuition. Because voices just make noise. Voices are based on desire. My intuition just knows things. The trick is knowing intuition from voices. Intuition is mostly a quiet, assured voice. It tells me which things I should be doing even when they scare me ("Yes, It's scary. And it's hard. It's really hard. And you might even fail. More than once. Do it anyway.") and which things I shouldn't be doing even though I really want them (several very poor choices spring to mind).

Here's the difficulty that arises. things I though I should be doing because I wanted things to be a certain way and I thought certain actions were 'brave' and the horrible feeling I was getting was fear of taking chances. I didn't understand (yet) that particular horrible feeling was actually the "dear god, you stupid bitch, this is a horrible, horrible, horrible mistake and you're just desperate and lonely and YOU WILL REGRET THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE" feeling.

How do I discern "bad vibes" from "fear of failure"?

I have had to learn to differentiate. It was difficult. It took many tries. I now have something of a system worked out, a way to know what is "knowing" and what is "wanting".

Accept truth. Listening isn't so much the problem.

Accepting...that's really important. Accepting the truth of what intuition is telling you. Very, very, important. Because sometimes the inner voice, the inner knowing, the truth...is something you don't want to hear, whether it's telling you something you should do but you don't want to because it's scary or hard or scary hard, or it's telling you something you shouldn't do (or say, or eat, or buy) but you really want that thing because it will make you temporarily happy because it will taste good or feel good at that moment.

I need an adult?

That's the part that took me a long time to figure out, "I want this because its good" from "this is right for me".

The Happiness in Your Life Book Series consists of 12 books,
each on a different subject that either allow or prevent happiness.

Shel Silverstein was interesting. I think he knows what he's talking about.
Or he did when he was alive at least. He's dead now.

But how do you know...how do you KNOW which voice is the true inner voice. How do you trust the inner voice when it's telling you something that seems so completely impossible? How do you know for sure so that you don't end up doing something you'll regret? Because I also really, really, really don't want to regret NOT doing something, NOT having something good, because I didn't listen to that voice that says, "It's right and it will happen in good time if you let the flow move and all will be well."

I'm not fond of Gloria Steinem as a person. Her personality seems very different from mine.
But I recognize what she's done for women.

By the way, I haven't vetted any of these quotes. I don't know if they're actually from the people they're being attributed to on the pictures. And you know what? Right now, I really don't care. I'm still trying to figure out why my inner voice seems to have quietly snapped.

Keeping afloat.

Found this amazing piece of Zentanglish artwork at this blogspot. They do not have a credit listed for the artist.
If you are the artist of this incredible piece of work let me give you credit. If you want me to take it down, please let me know. It is a perfect representation of my NANO, which is titled Zentangled. I draw Zentangles too.

It's the second day of NANO, don't ya know, and I'm finding my decision to make a personal book of journal entries and essays to be working well for me. Fingers crossed and knocking on wood, I think I will make my daily word count goals easily and win again this year. Next year I can go back to torturing myself writing a work of fiction. This year it's terribly true tales, in-your-face ugly truths and mind-numbing minutiae. Hooray for stream-of-consciousness!

Enough with the hyphens.

Could not find an artist credit for this one either.

I want donuts.