When you need a vacation but you don't want to travel to the vacation.

We're going to the Humongous Fungus Festival in Michigan.

I want to go. I actually asked to go. I haven't been on a vacation, an actual vacation where you just go to have fun and no other reason, in...I don't know five years? More?

But I don't want to travel. I don't like driving or riding long distances. A long distance is more than twenty minutes for me. I don't want to sleep in a bed that's not mine. I don't want to leave my cats. We have a house-sitter we trust; I just don't want to leave them. I don't want to leave my garden. I'll water tonight, but what if it gets really hot? 

But I really do want to go to the festival.

These are not Michigan mushrooms. I took this picture in 2015, I think. I tried to find my drawing of a fairy ring but this is what you get. Aren't they cute? They were so delicate.

We're leaving tomorrow and I've procrastinated because if I don't prepare I won't really have to go, right? No, that's not how it works and now have a huge list of stuff to do today. We're leaving tomorrow.

 

Having one of those days, one of those high anxiety days.

High Anxiety.

That's the post. I tried to write more about the anxiety, but that just added to the anxiety. The kind of anxiety where you're not having a panic attack but that's only because you haven't been asked to go anywhere or do anything.

So basically still a panic attack, but just about existing. And you smoke too much and drink too much coffee and of course that doesn't help.

I go over my gratitudes. I go over the things for which I have gratitude. Gratitudes sounds better, stop telling me it's not a word, Spellcheck Redline. I feel gratitude, but the anxiety doesn't care. 

Spellcheck Redline has no imagination. 

And I try to make myself feel better by resting and distracting myself, but then I'm just anxious about how much more I'll have to do when I feel "better". 

Better is relative. 

Here's a picture of my cat sitting in the clean laundry to balance out my emotional issues. Isn't she cute?

My little abyss, Queen of the Clean Towels.

Always with the tests and practice.

Lawd, I thought once I was out of school I was done with the homework and tests and practice. Not so, Grasshopper.

I'm reading and researching, writing scripts, doing practice videos, figuring out where to look for the camera, testing makeup looks, trying to figure out how to set up my new phone so that it's a good height for recording. Shew. I don't want the camera (phone camera, but still) to be tilted up at me because I don't want people looking up my nostrils. I'm...how do you say it, sensitive? Self-conscious, that's it, I'm self-conscious about the size of my nose already (it's a feature on my father's side) and I feel better when the camera is straight on or slightly above my eye line so my huge nostrils aren't front and center.

So many things to remember. Good posture. Leaning back is unattractive for the lines of the neck and face and leaning forward looks hunched and draws attention to the jowls,

I'm once again frustrated by the makeup. The new camera has much higher definition. I was worried it would show more of the lines in my face and you know what, they are that bad. I've been consistent about my skin care routine. I need to do better moisturizing my lips and for god's sake, STOP SMOKING. The lips naturally thin as one ages and I didn't have super full lips to begin with. When you draw on a cigarette you reinforce those tiny lines around you lips. 

Now, you may be asking (because I know I am), why does all this matter? 

Why do I need to worry about this nonsense, why do I need to look "better", shouldn't my personality be all I need? I'M FUN.

Maybe. Maybe so. But I will be editing these videos. And if I'm cringing over all these things I won't be focusing on what's important. COMEDY!!!! Oh, and learning. But hey, comedy helps. I want to be fun and entertaining, that helps bring people in and we can all learn and grow together. If I can develop a natural screen presence then I'll feel far more comfortable making the videos and take less time editing them. Once I learn how to edit on my phone.

Gotta learn to sparkle, Shirley!

Surely I can learn to sparkle. I've already got the curly hair, that's mine naturally. Now I just need to grow an onscreen persona. Easy as pie.

See? That's entertainment. And we learned why it's important. Yay!

Shirley Temple, mid-sparkle.

If you can't walk in through the door....

 ....climb in through the window. 

I've been trying to start a YouTube channel and been frustrated at every turn because all of my tech is so old. My laptop was bought in 2009. My phone was an Samsung S8. We were given an a camera, a  Nikon D3300, but my antique laptop won't run any of the video editing software I need.

I was grumbling to myself this morning because I've watched plenty of videos and read web articles and books that say you can start with just a phone. But my phone was so old!

Hey. Duh. I bought that four years ago, at least. When did it come out? 2017. Yep. Definitely time for an upgrade. 

So that's what I did. Upgraded to a top of the line Samsung. Now I just need to figure out the video editing on the phone. It has a built in stylus!

Look out! He's watching you!

Keerist, I don't even look the same person. Well, I guess I do, I just don't feel like that's the same person. I don't feel like that person is me, the one on the left. That's two days apart there, not ten years. The right side is no makeup in natural light. The left is with minimal makeup in the light from my bathroom. I didn't even use a filter. But I don't like wearing makeup, not even minimal. I can feel it on my skin, sitting there, feeling weird. I've gone thirty years not wearing makeup. 

This laptop is thirteen years old. I don't even want to think about what an up-to-date PC camera is going to do. All those evil mega-pixels, or whatever they are, picking up every last wrinkle and sag.

Welcome to my first world problem. Although I kinda feel like there should be a better name for it that First World, Third World shit is tired and classicist. Is there a Second World? I suppose I could google it, except I don't use Google to search anymore. Where's a Gen-Zer to tell me what they use nowadays?

My Facebook and Instagram hiatus will be up soon. At least, the year and I day I vowed to stay off is up July 22. 

I did some of the things I set out to do. And didn't do others. I don't want to talk about. 

I don't have to go back on of course, but I'm itching to start a new writing idea, an idea for sort of memoirs. I have a mosquito bite on my left inner wrist and it's itching like crazy. More than one thing is itching.

 

Well, I got something done.

I had planned to design a memorial necklace for my cat Loki. He was extra special, my Professional Therapy Cat. I gave him that title in jest, but he really was an emotional support for me. I don't want to talk about how  he passed. He was only two years old. 

I bought beads to make a memorial necklace, but after I got everything out, all the specially chosen beads and my tools and started to lay everything out...I knew it would be just what I wanted and perfect. And I couldn't work on it anymore. 

Here it's partially laid out.

I can work on it again next week. I made a chain for my glasses instead. So I got something done. I didn't try for any real design, just pulled random three, four, and six millimeters beads.

Now I'm a legit old lady.

Too legit to quit. I don't like aging, but at least I have style and skills. 

This is going to take awhile. You may need a snack and a drink.

I tested some makeup application today for the camera, specifically for filming. We were given a Nikon D3300 by a friend who had bought a newer model, so I need to learn how to use it. Today I just used my phone to record video. 

I rarely wear makeup. My eyes are very sensitive and I can't stand the feel of foundation or primer on my skin. But I think I've managed to figure out a minimal routine I can fel good about. 

The makeup looked fine in a selfie snapped from above head level in the bathroom.

But on video in my office in natural light with the phone a head level...well, I'm not posting that stuff.

I am starting to look my age and I just want to cry. It's not like I care how others see me. I really don't but I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. That aging, overweight person is not me. Why is my nose so damn big? It didn't use (used?) to look like that. Yes, it was not a tiny nose, but I feel like it's taking over my face. I'm getting jowls. A crepey neck. Is this body dysmorphia? I feel like it might be. I feel like I'm in there somewhere, but I'm so exhausted I can't find my way out. That image is not me. That is not the age I feel. 

This really doesn't help my depression. 

I have what I think is a good idea for a YouTube channel, one that could help people. I filmed a test video today, reading the Constitution of the United States aloud, with commentary attempting to explain it in more modern, simple language. 

I have a decent level of reading comprehension and some talent for paraphrasing, but deconstructing the stilted language of 18th century educated people is  step above. It will require a lot more practice, repetition, note taking, research, etc. I'll probably have to write out scripts for myself. Also, learning the basics of video editing, there's another task. My occasional spacing out, my snarky uber-liberal comments (trying to help ALL people understand stuff), all that should be snipped out. Not that I won't show my liberal leanings, just attempt to keep my language as neutral as possible. 

 

This entry is too long. I have to make dinner now.

Movies iz Fun

I went to the movies with one of my sons (DB) today, so -- good times. I love going to the movies. I love horror movies the most, but DB is not a fan, so The Black Phone was out. I'll have to see that one by myself. We saw Elvis and it was really good, definitely recommended.

This photo is from our last movie Top Gun: Maverick. I couldn't take one today, we just barely made it to our seats before the feature started. Missed the trailers, darn it. But I got my ticket for my movie notebook.

When I'm infamous and dead my grandchildren will love it.

Afterwards we went to Half-Price Books to find a book on the United States Constitution, because I have what I think is a pretty good idea for a YouTube channel and it's still in development but I need to read the Constitution. Yeah, I promise it will be more interesting than it sounds. 

I got a migraine on the way home, because of the sun.

Totally worth it.

Tex is pretending to comfort me in my migraine recovery, but really she just wants attention because she didn't want me to type. She got miffed and left when I wouldn't stop typing.

Cats are assholes, but they're so darn cute.

Why didn't I think of this before?

I finally caught wise that Blogger has a damn app, so I downloaded that shit PDQ. Now I can post with photos from my phone. I can't do that with the Blogger website on my phone browser, not with photos. Now I can. A post a day? One can but hope.

Lookit me, talking like anyone reads this. It's a process, okay? I'm trying to create healthy habits.

Here's some more flowers from my garden. Calendula, yarrow, and a bit of lavender. 

Am I healthy yet?

This huge pile of greens....

....cooks down to this little pile of greens.

I grew these myself, they're a mix of kale and turnip greens. Gathering them was simple, but cleaning them was tedious. Wash, wash, wash (so much water!), inspect every leaf (I found one baby caterpillar, one dead spider, and one live earwig-- ewwwww), and trim all the stems. Cooking went fast but this process made a big mess.

I made four prepped meals with wheat berries, cannellini beans, greens, and various seasonings. 

Four meals. That's it, that's all it made. Four meals. This is exhausting and I still need to clean the kitchen and water the garden but I have to wait until around sunset to water. That's two hours from now. I'm so fucking tired and sad and I just want to go to bed.

At least my front garden looks nice.

Crawling back to wellness after six years of dark times is exhausting. I used to be fit. I used to be stable. I used to write. I used to finish things, projects I mean.

I'm really trying but I'm so tired.

Practice makes practice.

 Hmmm. It seems I can post text from my phone, but not photos. Alas. 

I've been taking a long break from social media, from Facebook and Instagram.  In fact, it's been nearly a year. I set the hiatus for a year and a day. It has helped calm my chaotic brain but I haven't progressed in healing as much as I had hoped I would. I still have intrusive thoughts which I've tried to drown out with YouTube. 

You know what I miss the most? Not connections with friends and family or keeping up with current events...good lord, NOT current events. Posting pictures. 

But I can't post photos on the blog from my phone. 

And another trip back to square one --the scary square.

 Soooooo, trying to figure out how to upload photos to a post from my phone. If I could post from my phone it would be simpler to keep up a habit. But I prefer posting wih photos and I'm not seeing how to do it. 

Frustration. 

THIS had better not be my fifteen minutes of fame...

 Dear god in heaven, what the holy blue fuck.

When I sit down to make a new post, I check my stats first. To see if there is anyone out there, anywhere, picking up what I'm putting down.

So far, so not really. Oh, I do have hits. Sometimes up to twenty a day. From all over the world. For ONE. STINKING. PAGE. A page entitled, "Time doth flit; oh, shit." People from all over the whole entire world are looking up this phrase, I guess to see what it means? And my blog entry usually comes up right near the top in the searches. Occasionally it's the first one. Yes, I check this. Hoping it will not be true.

This...just floors me. And frustrates me, will I be principally known as the blogger who provided an explanation for who said this and possibly what it means. It's like...going viral for pointing at the exit in a clever way, "This way to the Great EGRESS." Except in this version that's what people wanted.

Okay, that analogy doesn't quite work like I want it too.

Yes, I could change the title of the post. At least, I think that would work. Eventually it would stop showing up in searches. Or I could delete the page all together. But I shouldn't have to! For one, it has a brief story about an interaction with sons. And for another, MY OWN SPARKLING WIT AND PERSONALITY SHOULD WIN OUT!!!!

Okay. Okay. I'm just going to delete the offending material. I mean, edit the page.

Your days are numbered, Dottie. Victory will be mine!!

There. Done. I win. You can't make me be famous for something stupid! Only I can make myself famous for something stupid!

Bonsai tree: I think it's a juniper? The tag only said bonsai.

Here's a "for me" update. It will probably be dull for you but I'm trying to get my balance back.

Well, November was -- rough. I love our little family Thanksgiving and we only have a small feast, but the gearing up and preparation and the driving and the shopping and all -- it's hard on my, er, psyche? So things slid by the way side. I was doing really well up until November 1st. I had been using my bullet journal, doing my book work consistently, crossing stuff offa da list on the regular. I wanted to add in a cleaning schedule and --

I probably should NOT have tried to do that before a holiday. Note to self: don't add new things into the routine before any kind of holiday, trip, visit, brain-draining-spoon-gobbling interactions, or general what-have-youse.

Before I tripped and skinned my mental knee, I was doing better with a single weekly blog update on Saturday. I did four weeks in a row! We're all set! It's habit now, right? RIGHT!? 

It was not habit yet.

I was thinking this morning, since I've missed so many -- wait, how many? Counting....oof, five. I was thinking this morning, as I drove to the post office, I've missed so many, should I do a quick update today? But the schedule is for Saturday, sez Myself. We can wait.

Myself is lazy and would prefer to play Skyrim for several hours. One day I'll write a book about Self and Myself. She's lazy and sort of  mean, but I think she's were my humour comes from and lawd, can't lose that. But Myself doesn't make the rules, Self does and we're making one today and Saturday.

A few months ago I bought a bonsai tree at Meijer. Oh -- I'm going to change the subject. I bought a bonsai tree, I think it's a juniper? And despite being in basic potting soil in a very small pot that did not have a drainage hole, in a window with only about four hours of light a day, it's done just fine. I finally bought a bonsai pot and soil for it and repotted it and I am just so pleased with it, I think it's a happy plant.

My little juniper in a proper bonsai pot,
with proper bonsai soil and new rock friends.

With no effort on my part my Christmas cactus is getting ready to bloom.
I looked it up. My chilly home office has the perfect conditions for bloomage.

I was going to define the word fortitude too, but the non-hurricanes took up all my time.

 Well, dear readers, today's posit: "Does the west coast of the United States get hurricanes? You know: California, the Pacific coast, and Oregon and stuff?"

Wait...is that the correct usage of "posit"?

Checking....please stand by.

Image credit: Nitra

Hrrrmmm. Not really. Posit is more of putting forth a statement for debate or discussion. I just need an answer, not a discussion. FACTS!

Okay, here's the answer. No hurricanes for Cali, because wind and water. There's that sorted.

Here's the longer, more factful answer. According to people who know things about oceans and hurricanes (Chris W. Landsea and Kerry Emmanuel) they need a source of warm water to form and be maintained. The hurricanes, not the people. We all know how people are formed and maintained, right? Right?!

Factful is a word if I say it is. Also, are we just gonna ignore the whole "guy who researches hurricanes is named Landsea" thing? We are? Okay.

Anyway, a hurricane needs warm water, above 80° F (that's 26.5° C). That's thermal energy, baby! When a hurricane is born, they form over the warm water in the tropics and subtropics and then the move in a general westward direction with the tradewinds and also drift towards the pole. The North pole. Because who'd want to drift towards the south pole? Except maybe penquins. And maybe hurricanes formed in the sounthern hemisphere, I don't know; this article wasn't about them. 

The west coast of the United States doesn't have water that warm, you have to go down to the coastline of central Mexico to find the requisite temperature water.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
says no penquins are expected on the central coast of Mexico for the next 48 hours.

So when a hurricane does form, as it moves north and west it tends and by the time it reaches the area off California it's getting cooler water (from 50° - 65° F) and can't maintain it's thermal energy, so no hurricane force winds. It downgrades to a tropical storm, which can still cause a lot of trouble because of the amount of rainfall.

So...there. Cali doesn't get hurricanes, but they do have drought, mudslides when the drought suddenly ends, and earthquakes. So there's that.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Merriam-Webster (defining mostly English words since 1828!)

Why do hurricanes hit the East Coast of the United States but never the West Coast? - Scientific American Online, October 21, 1999

National Hurricane Center and Central Pacific Hurricane Center of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration 

Western Regional Climate Center

Nitra: YouTube and Website

I'm staring at a blank page.

Oh, how the blank page taunts me. 

I took a Domestika course--Creative Writing for Beginners: Bringing Your Story to Life. While I ultimately did not finish the course-- being unable to identify my "passion", the objective of the course being to write a short story about your passion through memories-- I did learn a few interesting techniques for helping to get unstuck when you're stuck. For when the blank page is MOCKING YOU. The instructor didn't mention any mocking, but you know what I mean, dear reader, do you not?

Perhaps you are asking, "But Corpus, isn't your passion writing? Or art? or somesuch?" And I would think, thank you for using the word somesuch; I like it and it's used so rarely these days.

Then I would say, "Yes, but...you have to be able to feel the passion and right now I kind of feel nothing but numb and achy at the same time." I did get an idea for a story, a story about the arguements I have in my head. A book about the different facets of myself that just seem to appear when I go about my day and the one I don't let out to play because she's not a nice person and you better believe she would just make a mess. She's gotten out before and it was not pleasant for me afterwards.

Of course it won't be a true story. No true events, that would be tedious and yet horrible for me and the reader. Just based on personal experience. 

Now this page is no longer blank. 

I do feel defeated for not having finished the course, but I did try very hard. I didn't quit at the first sign of frustration. It was not fault of the instructor, Shaun Levin, he was very encouraging, helpful, and kind, and had useful information. I may look at other courses by him. But this course was not for me. Maybe choosing a course for absolute beginners was the problem. I think of myself as a beginner because I don't have a college degree and I haven't published anything. I'm always worried the more advanced courses are TOO advanced and I'll end up drowned and quit in misery.

But I did not quit in misery. I made a conscious, thought-out decision to put aside a course that didn't cost very much ($12.00? I think) and didn't have a grade or any instructor feedback at the end of it. Since I'm not getting anything out of it I want to free up that time I was spending on it to find other courses for editing, illustration, and self publishing. I don't need my books to have illustrations throughout but I would like to design the cover myself. And possibly write a few childrens books later.

Aaaannnnddd...I didn't use any of the techniques for getting unstuck today. Well, we need a picture, don't we? I like each entry to have at least one picture. Let's dig in my photos and see what we can find.

You can tell I'm in a mixed state (the numbness and apathy, "I just want to sleep" of depression and the scattered, zippy, crashy "No, we must play XBox allllll daaaaay!!!!!" of mania) when I used more...er...formal sounding language and fewer contractions.

Here's a peacock I drew! Insert screechy peacock noise here.
I used a tutorial.

I had a whole thing planned...

I wrote down so many blog ideas since my last blog post. 

And now...here I am! It's Saturday! Time to make a blog post! Be productive!

And I don't know what to do. Or rather, now I don't want to do any of them, at least not today. I'll just post the links I would use to research, how about that?

• I made polenta and it rocked. Let me tell you about it!
• I bought a globe and it was exhausting and I wasn't even the driver!
• I want old fashioned sealing wax for my letters but that's not good for the post office's sorting equipment. Probably.
• Is it fur or hair? Do animals have fur or hair? When you pet a cat you say you are stroking their fur, but if some of that fur gets on your clothes you say there is cat hair on your clothes. So is it fur or hair? What is the difference and does it really matter?
• Mist vs. Fog - What is the difference? I thought they came from different directions, but it seems it only looks like that.
• Lake vs Pond - Does size matter? It's a deep question. Check in later for more vagure sexual innuendo.
• a lot or alot - What's up with that? Merriam-Webster, bringing the puns while telling you which usage is correct. It's "a lot", by the way.

I wanted to do pictures for each one, but I can't handle that today.

This week has not been a great week. I've had a setback week, a week where it feels like everything is falling apart. It's hard to explain in detail without a long explanation of how my bipolar brain works, so setback week will have to sum it up. 

I feel like I should just stick to my routine no matter how much I feel like I hate it that week. I allowed myself to skip the gym this week and last week--I'm only going to the gym once a week right now. I was feeling so scattered and high anxiety I thought it would just be better if I stayed home and let my mind rest, but I still feel scattered and high anxiety and now I haven't been to the gym in two weeks.

So maybe just stay on schedule no matter what.

Okay. Let's try that.

I did buy a globe. I went to American Science and Surplus and bought a globe.

Afffricaaaaa....

It's a basic political globe, meaning it has all the boundry lines and current names of all the countries. I wanted the kind that had just landforms and elevations so you could feel the mountain ranges and no country borders, but that was too expensive.

And now it's sitting on my the shelf next to the plants, being all globey and cool. Looking at all that water makes me feel better. And seeing the how big the earth is and how small our space in it is...somehow that just makes me feel better. 

I also bought a few stones, including a polished ammonite slice. I like to hold it and look at the spirals, somehow it just makes me feel calmer.

My slice was not this perfect, but it works for me.

So, that is the Saturday blog post. Maybe I'll go out to the movies.


PS--these two photos were nicked from the American Science and Surplus website.

Living up to the past is really unnecessary and probably impossible.

I feel like I should write a blog post every day because I need to train my brain to write even when I don't feel like it, but I spend far too much time looking for images and then falling into the time suck of rereading my old blog posts and thinking, "Hey, that was a good idea, why didn't I keep doing that!" Or "hey, remember when we used to do that and we loved it? Why aren't we still doing that?"

And then I'm sad. Then I have to work my way out of sadness and dangit that takes up too much time. 

Maybe daily blog writing is not for me. I shall assign a blog updates to a week day. Maybe Saturday? Saturday or Sunday. One of those. And FIRMLY remind myself NOT to read old blog entries, I don't care how interesting you thought you were in the past, we want to write books, see? And we can't efficiently learn to do that when we're sad. 

Stop changing voice, it's sloppy.

And I think she would know.

I tried to verify this quote, but could only find it on other lists of quotes. So I don't know if Martina actually said this, but as platitudes go it's less platitudey than most.

So, this week's update is taken care of (twice) and next Saturday will be recorded in the bullet journal as the day to blog. This Saturday (or Sunday) my daughter and I are going to American Science and Surplus to buy a globe and just because it's darn fun and interesting there. 

I'd like to have walls full of world maps, but lets start with a globe. Then you can see how and where the continents and rivers and such lie on the planet. Lay? How they're situated. Earth is tilted on its axis is what I mean and some places aren't where you might think they are.

Globe photo from American Science and Surplus website.

I feel sad for the pet fish at the grocery store.

 I went to Meijer yesterday. Wednesday is Gym and Groceries day. I did not go to the gym because I woke up with a migraine expanding across the right side of my head (I had a detached sense of fascination that I could actually feel it expanding and hear miniscule noises as the pressure built) and while the Excedrin took care of most of it, I didn't want to push it. 

Photo of bitsy koi from the Meijer website. 
I don't think it's a legit brocaded carp, but it's pretty.

I was stressed as I entered Meijer: because I had a migraine, because I had to skip the gym and throw off my fragile healthy habit weekly routine, and just because I had to enter Meijer. I had my meal plans for the week and my list done the night before (Tuesday is meal planning and grocery list day and I did it even though I really was tired and finishing a task made me feel better). I remembered to bring my coupons and I knew my budget so all the preparation was done and still...anxiety. 

Legit koi in beautiful, peaceful, restful, brain-calming koi pond.
See, koi get big. So big. Lots of big.
Photo nicked from the Nualagi Ponds website.

Grocery stores are chaotic places, so many things, so many choices, so many temptations, so many people. But I need to be able to choose my groceries myself. I don't want other people doing it.

I write long sentences. I do try and break them up, but then I just go ahead and write more long sentences. Which I then have to take the time to break up. And then where has my point gone? It got lost in the long sentences. So here's another pretty fish to reward you.

Photo of Glo Tetra from the Meijer website.

I've been experimenting with entering the store at the other end, the drug store end. The theory is that the frozen and chilled food and produce will be collected at the end of the trip and less subject to thawing, warming, wilting, and crushing. (Use ALL the verbs!)

I had to buy cat litter and I passed by the fish tanks. I was immediately swept over by a desire to watch the fish and bring them home and have a tank for them and take care of them and watch them anytime I wanted.

But I'm a rational person -- sensible, logical, reasonable, pragmatic, whimsical, anxious...wait, what? I really want a fish tank and fishes to watch. I felt sad for them, because their holding tanks are boring: no pebbles, no plants, no place to hide and chill. I want the fishes to have a sort of proper home. How long will they live without a proper home? Poor fishes. They were still peaceful to watch as they floated in their burbling water.

Photo of shobunkin from the Meijer website.
This actually looks more koi-like

I have no place to put a proper aquarium and no money to buy a proper aquarium and no real concept of how to care for an aquarium and the fishes in it. I promised myself that every Gym and Grocery Wednesday I should stop by the fish tanks and entertain some peace before braving the chaos.

But I did find this aquarium video on YouTube and it will have to do. Maybe...maybe...I can buy a book about caring for fishes in home aquariums and learn what type of fishes live peaceably with each other and one day have a small aquarium with two or three fish.

...and it makes me giggle every time.

I realized yesterday that I haven't made a blog post in some time. It was much less some time than some of my previous not making a blog post in some time times, but nevertheless it was still an amount of time that was longer than the shorter amount of time I wanted it to be. Do you follow me? Good.

See, the blog isn't really supposed to be A Big Important Thing For Writing, it's supposed to be a number of smaller things. For writing, yes, but not writing big, important things...for the habit of writing and putting it out there. I do currently write on a regular basis, but right now it's mostly course work or journaling. The blog is for putting myself out there. How can I, one day, be brave enough to send my work to a literary agent if I can't even put my words into a blog that 99.99% of visitors find because Dorothy Parker said something clever one time and now people use the internet to figure it out where it comes from and what it might mean?

I've been trying to heal my brain, I think I told you, so no Facebook and no Instagram and I never did Twitter anyway, but I am still indulging in YouTube because their is some really interesting, intelligent, and fun content there and if you're lucky it happens all at once. And on days when I'm having issues, it really helps to have something to distract me that is all those things, and this week I've had Bill Wurtz on heavy rotation. The man is a gift to us and his history of the entire world, i guess is the best video ever. EVER. I really like most of his videos (his songs are really cool) but I actually start missing this video if I haven't watched it in a while.

Creative Property of Bill Wurtz
Thank you, Bill, for just being yourself and letting us join you sometimes.