I promise it's funny. I swear. Yeah, there's some swear words, definitely.

 Here in a long, long, long description of my personality type based on the Human Metrics Typology Test. I had a very busy day yesterday, expended a lot of personal energy and now I need a day of quiet and reflection. And some cuss words. My personal reactions to these descriptions are in bold. I did my best to make them funny for your entertainment. This is all for my own benefit and remembrance mostly but if you care to read some or all of it, go right ahead. I’ve broken up the paragraphs, so it’s not a wall of text.

Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. [Yep.]Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system. [Yep.]

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. [I guess, mostly.] Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. [All things are possible. All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well.] Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the rarest of all the types. [Ooh, I’m rare! Yeah, that doesn’t stoke my Inner Bitch’s massive ego at all.]

Step away from the table
and no one gets hurt.

INFJs place great importance on having things orderly and systematic in their outer world. [Hm. Partially true. What little rituals and routines I do have I loathe having interrupted. Like setting up my massage room at the beginning of each shift and the system I use for changing my sheets between clients. I get very irritated if another therapist “helps” change my room over. I have a system!  If my ritual gets disturbed I get very uncomfortable. Going through these little rituals puts a tiny bit of order into my world then I can be flexible for whatever variables required for a client’s massage. But my bedroom, bookshelves, desk, files, bathroom products, all very disorganized.]

They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. [True dat. I say that often when things get hectic…”What’s the priority?”]

On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. [Yeah. I don’t know how I do it, but yeah.]They are usually right, and they usually know it. [Ha! Validation! I KNEW I was right!]

Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. [Nah, I lack faith in myself. I’m working on it.] This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk. [Messy desk, see! I knew I was right!]

Foreboding! It happens.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. [A few times. A couple dreams that have come true and phone calls that I knew who was calling and that something was wrong on the first ring before I even saw the number].

This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themselves does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive. [Yep. I know it’s irritating and maybe feels like I don’t trust you, dear friends and family. It’s not that I don’t trust you, but being any other way is alien to me.]

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring.[I’d like to think so, but I can’t speak to the minds of other people.]

 INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. [Yes. This has caused me a great deal of trouble. Even if people are being mean or disrespectful to me I’ll shout things in my head but I never say it to them (with the exception of a few volcanic explosions) because I don’t want to hurt their feelings, even when they obviously don’t respect mine.]

How dare you attempt to defend Tarentino's mangling
of the noble art of cinema! You're going DOWN.

They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. [Dead Right! This is why I try very hard NOT to get involved in any type of debate. Sometimes I slip up and I always regret it, every single time. Talking to TheMan one day, discussing films, he mentioned several of Quentin Tarentino’s films. Me? Really not much a fan of Tarentino. TheMan says, “Well, now we have something to argue about.” I knew he just meant debate, but still, no. Fuck no. Hell to the fuck no. I politely said, “No. We don’t. I don’t do…that. I don’t debate.”

 I don’t feel the need to defend my (intuitive!) judgment of Tarentino as a creepy asshat. Nor do I feel the need to hear a defense of TheMan’s judgment, or to try to sway him to my point of view. End of conversation. Push me and I push back. And you get the eyebrow…the deadly, deadly eyebrow. This is your indicator that you need to shut up now.  Push again and I’ll get snappish. Push me hard enough and I’ll just leave. No more fun Jessica for YOU.  Follow me and push more? I will cut you; I have verbal blades and I KNOW how to use them. This didn’t happen to TheMan, because he’s smart and knows the tone of voice I used meant, “Danger, Will Robinson!”]

They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress. [Uh huh. My body doesn’t usually get sick from contagious things, or it throws them off very quickly if I do catch them, but I can get rather nastily physically ill from stress. It’s sort of disturbing to me. “Warning! Warning! Toxin purge in 3, 2, 1…purging toxins now. All personnel please observe contamination procedures.”]

When I Googled images of stubbornness I found this.
Is he going to eat her face? I think he's going to eat her face.
Or maybe suck her soul away. Dementor!!

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubbornness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. [Sort of. Not entirely. I am conflicted about having faith in my own judgment. When seeming facts or reason conflict with my intuition I often go a little mental making a decision. Stubbornness is true, when I do finally make a decision, fuck you if you have an opposing opinion. Which I won’t say out loud; I respect people’s right to their opinion and the right to speak them. I’ll just be all, “Okay,” and just do what I want anyway.]

They believe that they're right. [Never said out loud, but yes. This is how Inner Bitch was created. I’m right and you’re wrong and you can believe you’re right if you want, but you’re not. Have fun with your wallowing in ignorant wrongness. I can’t hear you over the sound of me knowing what I’m talking about.]

 On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. [I worry every day that I’m not a good enough massage therapist, parent, wife, friend.]

Does that look fist sized to you?

INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. [I loved higher education an always want to go back to school. I often at least research some little thing every day. Like today? I spent an hour this morning trying to find a visual comparison for the size of the human stomach. Many websites said the empty human stomach is generally the size of a fist (each person’s stomach relative to their own fist). A couple said it’s the size of two fists. But none of them were actual medical websites or listed where they got this information. I couldn’t find a medical website that stated this comparison, only some that gave volume size. Not the same, not visual enough. An hour I spent on this. For no reason.]

They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. [Congratulations, you graduated! Okay, so when are we going back to school?] They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. [Yeah, but don’t you ever fucking dare call me docile. Fuck that docile shit. Come on over here and say that to my face. I will pull your head off and spit down your neck. Then I'll probably apologize for hurting your feelings.

 Another bad idea is to talk to me like I’m a bad child you have to correct. Once a friend, who I also happened to work with, made a mild but incorrect judgment on how I handled a certain parenting task. I was already having a bad day and she knew it, on top of a bad week, on top of a bad year. She didn’t have any children and had no knowledge of how my children reacted in certain situations. I said, “You don’t know what you’re talking about, so shut your damn mouth,” in a very bitchy tone of voice. Then I went upstairs to try and calm down and focus on another work task. She followed me upstairs.

This. But with curly hair.

If she had said, “You hurt my feelings,” I would’ve immediately apologized. But she said, in a very patronizing tone of voice as if speaking to a child, “If you ever talk to me like that again…” and that’s as far as she got because I exploded. Screamed with rage, I can’t remember all the nasty things I said. Ran out of there because I was afraid I was going to physically attack her, I don’t know how I had the self-control to do that, I certainly wasn’t thinking. Shaking with pure rage, tunnel vision, crying hysterically.]

 Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals. [No compromising. Nope, no sir. Compromise is for wusses. I don't really mean that, marriage and parenting is ALL compromise. But sometimes I think it.]

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. [I think so. I can’t tell you what they think, but they like going to the movies with me and having conversations.] They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. [No, not quite. It’s more correct to say I have faith in their high potential and try to be supportive of anything I can be that moves them in a direction I think they can excel and be happy in.]

This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. [Determined. Say determined. It sounds better.] But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring. [I try. I hope so.]

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. [Massage therapy: combines some science (MSK and APP), with intuition (reading body language, tone of voice, and word choice of your client before you even start the hands on session), and it’s service oriented, the service of helping people renew themselves.]

They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. [No, I think I’m fairly good with dealing with them. I just don’t like them; I find them tedious, not intellectually challenging.]

The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture.[If I do have to do a detailed task, goddamnit I’m going to obsessively follow the instructions. If the instructions are wrong in some way I get very annoyed, but after feeling annoyed for a few minutes I can usually figure it out for myself.]  

An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not. [Heh. Yes. I used to work at Starbucks; I was an opener and in charge of the pastry case set up as well as other tasks. If I didn’t happen to open that day and the case was set up incorrectly (there was a plan we were supposed to follow, an official layout from corporate that changed every few months) I was highly irritated and would often move things around. I wasn’t nasty about it; I never said anything to the person who had done the setup. But I did change it. I was very lucky the people I worked with liked me enough the rest of the time to put up with my OCD about the pastry case. And the board by the window where we wrote what we were out of. And the way I constantly rearranged the back fridge if the milk hadn’t been properly rotated to my satisfaction. They really put up with a lot from me. I wasn’t even a shift manager.]

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. [I got a gift? When did that happen? Is it cheesecake? A nice bottle of Stoli? A book! It’s a book, isn’t it? Oh, you know me so well. Thank you.] Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ [yeah, poor little me with my first world problems. NOT.], but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement. [We’ll see.]

I tried finding a photo with a cheesecake, Stoli, and a book but amazingly there were none.
Philistines. I'll have to make my own.